Brown Paper Pete by Matthew David Scott

Like, I probably didn’t even think that was going to happen did I? Yeah, I wanted to give him a good kicking and that but not that. But the papers. I can see us in the papers, in the little boxes and that, you know what I mean. And I probably didn’t even want to do it, you know.

It’s why I wagged school today. Didn’t want to see Smit and Carl. Leisure and Tourism we’re doing. Proper shit mate. What the fuck am I going to do with Leisure and Tourism? I’m good with cars and engines and all that. My Uncle Pete had all these bangers that he did up for stock car racing and I used to help him and everything. Learned loads off our Pete but…ha…pretty funny story really.

Mam doesn’t like me talking about it. Pete’s her younger brother and she’s funny about the Police and stuff. Buys all the cheap meat from the vans when they do the estate, gets the beer and fags in the pubs when someone’s done a run to France. Funny woman me mam without knowing it. Love her and stuff but weird. Doesn’t like me talking about our Pete.

He’s in jail see. Not for cars or anything like that, well it’s sort of I suppose. Him and his mates were always selling stuff but we asked no questions like. One day, or one night, they did a ramraid up on the industrial estate – a warehouse that packed JD Sports stuff. Would have been a proper score like that, would have made a fortune on all that – the trainers he could have got from there, shit…So anyway, they got a Transit Van, Pete and a few of his mates, and piled down to this warehouse.

They’d staked it out for weeks. Well, that’s what Pete thought, but the lad who had been staking it out liked a bit of a smoke too much and didn’t really know what was going on half the time. He’d been banging some bird with two kids from the new houses instead. So the had a bit of a surprise when they got there.

All in the van, revving it up, bang! Straight through the doors, boxes everywhere, shit flying all over the place. That’s when they noticed the lights were on and there were bits of tangerine and grapes and shit all over the windscreen. A night shift were on, packing fruit and veg in boxes, ready for it to go out to the Supermarkets. Ha! Fucking nobheads. But it gets better. The people on the nightshift got them in a net – you know them orange nets they put satsumas and that in? A big one of them. Tied them up, our Pete as well, till the Police got there. Bet it was a proper laugh. When the Police got there and arrested them, they got warrants to search all their houses and they found stuff from loads of robberies from the last twelve months.

Made the papers and everything, our Pete. Me dad calls him ‘Brown Paper Pete’. Not as funny as he reckons me dad. It’s a joke like, ‘cause Pete’s always rustling.

Not in front of me mam though. Doesn’t call him that in front of her. She doesn’t like it. Won’t even mention it.

That’s what I’m most worried about with all this. It’ll kill her, shame her to death.


Matthew David Scott has been here before. Check out ‘Summer ’87’ in Parasitic #1.


2 responses to “Brown Paper Pete by Matthew David Scott

  1. Thoroughly entertaining. I love the perspective and the steady, easy pace of the storytelling. It was comfortable and unpretentious and that’s always the best for me.

  2. Douglas I. Thompson

    As usual, Matt delivers a witty, down-to-earth narrative. His voice is obvious from the jump–a true original.

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